not posting since october is just despicable. period.
living in berlin, germany certainly does not leave one for a lack of thoughts. it is a very good muse and a challenging place where one can ponder a lot of things about life, faith, culture, the church, society, and on and on. there is simply a lot to write about. but in a way, maybe it has been too overwhelming. the extreme overexposure to non-stop inspiration and instigation creates a sort of ironic block. in spite of this though, if i do feel that writing is something i should do, this block is something that needs to be pushed through and attacked. in the end, it is spiritual. slothfulness is not something that we often consider in such things, but it is a very real and relevant thing in our lives and in the spiritual realm of things surrounding our being.
in light of this point, living in service to the Kingdom of Christ abroad can be a tricky thing. i recently tried to describe it to someone recently and found it to be very difficult. the litmus test of ‘how well’ you are working, making the most of your time, being a good steward of your wage, talents, etc is so nuanced and complex. i suppose anyone who is supported by a body of believers financially to work (home or abroad) feels a sense of this always- but i think that living abroad heightens it. it gets uniquely catalyzed. then if you add in the advent of technology, which has simplified communication, travel and connection, the inner wrestling gets only that much more complicated.
even boiling it down to the simple line of: at the end of the day it just comes down to sacrifice and/or willingness to sacrifice… there just seems to be a downright silliness that emerges. it slips very quickly into superficial comparisons. it leads you to start thinking about your life in a way that helps you create plenty of “first world problem” hash tags.
so then you try to boil it down to a heart level- thinking about humility and restraint within. this is perhaps getting closer to a real solution. it, at the very least, gets you to a place that begins to allow you to assess yourself in light of you are in regard to Christ, not others. but even in this, you have to be careful not to pendulum swing too far, where life and faith becomes an isolated vacuum of a relationship between you and God. we live among others and in communities. people watch us and there is a testimony to our lives. the testimony however is deep, not shallow. the overflow of inner being that has a connection to Christ is the only thing that really counts as the testimony on the outside. the outside in and of itself is not a testimony if it is not the authenticated God-touched piece of our soul.
so i am working on it. i am trying to keep order to all of these thoughts and feelings. i am trying to get better at organizing the random pieces of paper, smart phone notes, and things where i say to myself ‘i can’t forget to write that down later.’ my hope is that order will be the result, and that some of these things will find themselves here, once again. but man, i feel rusty.